December 2008
3 posts
Me: so do you still want to head home weds morning?
Dan: yah
Dan: let's try to catch an approx 10am train
Me: great, pick a train
Dan: o my god
Dan: safari won't empty its motherfucking cache
Me: sometimes I wish I were part of some kind of ethnic group so I could have automatic buddies
Me: OMG YOU'RE WHITE TOO???
Me: LET'S MAKE A CLUB
Rosie: yeah i know
Rosie: if you had a white people club it would be the KKK
Me: yeah I guess so
Me: bummer
Me: so any genius ideas for christmas gifts for mom & dad?
Dan: i might knock up some bimbo
Dan: give them some grandkids
November 2008
4 posts
Dan: and this wasn't a hipster bar or some loser bar, it was a real bar!
Cory: dating is for suckers
Me: aren't you dating someone now?
Cory: I suppose.
Me: but...
Cory: you are 3 words away from about 1,000,000 sex jokes
October 2008
7 posts
Cory: you know, that article paints cindy mccain as a mean badass
Cory: but if anyone is a mean badass, its michelle obama
Cory: she will beat a bitch
Me: yeah michelle obama is totally badass
Me: I love her
Me: super smart, articulate, sensible, and doesn't LOOK LIKE A SOULLESS ZOMBIE
Me: but will still break your fucking neck if the situation calls for it
Me: and then she'd be like, "baby, I just broke that bitch's neck"
Me: and barack would be all, "thanks baby"
Me: *fist bump*
Me: can you think of a way I could dress up as the electoral college?
Cory: not without being confused as a lady in a blue dress with a violent period
Cory: wait
Cory: hold on
Cory: why have I not turned my cubicle into a blanket fort?
Me: I think I woke up with goddamn pinkeye and my eye doctor is closed on fridays? wtf is that?
Dan: pinkeye? it's an infectious disease of the eyeball
Me: you're so funny!
Dan: if obama was president, doctors would practically be lining up to fix your eye - for free!
Me: I *know*!
Dan: or you could just take your mercedes benz to the nearest clinic
Dan: or ride the brand new gold plated elevated subway
Dan: it will be hard to fly because of all of the doves everywhere
Dan: it's impossible to pilot these 757s since obama became president!!! the sky is full of doves and rainbows!
Dan: can't see anything!
Me: my shit is not focusing
Me: .focus()
Me: wtf
Me: (10 minutes later) wtf wtf
Me: some other JS bullshit is co-opting it
Me: (10 minutes later) oh fuck this
Me: I've been saying for months that my iphone should be able to test my BAC via my fingertips and shut off all connectivity after 4 drinks.
Drew: Oh shit you could totally use the GPS (are you or were you at a bar?) combined with the clock (for 2 or more hours?) and the accelerometers (are you stumbling like a drunk shit?) to see if a person was or drunk while holding the phone.
Dan: i know this nice little italian place in times square we should eat at
Dan: its called the olive garden
Dan: very authentic
Me: no way, there's this seafood place that's way better
Me: red lobster? heard of it?
Me: you can find it 'cause there's a big glowing lobster over the entrance
September 2008
6 posts
Cory: part of me kinda hopes that john mccain dies before the election
Me: fuck babies
Me: I'm going skiing
Cory: I'm trying to debug some code and it is defeating me
Me: heh, so sry
Me: you can dooo iiiit!!!!
Cory: I'm not sure I can
Cory: It's got listeners and observers
Cory: which are being registered all over the goddamn
Dan: there's a "quality control: passed" sticker on the bottom of my mouse pad
Me: thank GOD
Dan: glad to know they're vigorously testing these things
Me: I've been hearing horror stories about substandard mousepads lately
Dan: seriously. last one i bought was made entirely out of staples
Me: "staples" wasn't that funny there
Me: not sure what would have been better
Dan: sandpaper?
Me: yeah that's better
Dan: i prefer staples
Me: it's too much effort to think about how you'd make a mousepad out of staples, and what the worst way would be
Dan: t('_' t)
Me: I love that guy giving the middle fingers
Dan: thanks me too
Dan: t(^_^ t)
Dan: that one is happier
Dan: like if you win a stupid argument
Dan: IN CONCLUSION, CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS WAY BETTER THAN FRUITY PEBBLES
Dan: t(^_^ t)
Me: you watch any of the speeches last night?
Cory: nope
Cory: Zelda wasn't going to save herself
August 2008
5 posts
Dan: t('_' t)
Me: I have no idea what that's supposed to be
Dan: it's like a magic eye painting, it takes a second to see
Dan: the t's are arms and hands
Dan: it's a guy nonchalantly flicking you off with both hands
Dan: he's standing at approx a 3/4 angle
Me: oh yeah
Me: that's really good
Dan: he can get more and more upset too
Dan: t(o_O t)
Dan: t(@_@ t)
Me: you're an artist
Me: obama would have to pretty much turn out to be the antichrist for me to vote for mccain
Cory: hahaha
Cory: HE MAY BE!!!!
Me: and actually even the antichrist's solution to every problem might not be to just blow the shit out of people for the next 100 years, so we'd have to talk a little
Cory: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/antichrist.asp
Me: oh, internet
Me: oh, america
Me: I can't believe it was necessary to create this page
Me in the Olympics
Check it out, I would only be dead last in half the events I ran in high school:
100m: 11.71. Ok, I’d be last here. My best time was 12.9ish.
200m: 32.16! I’d be up a solid 4 seconds here. My best 200m time was 28ish.
400m: 66.19. Hm. I seem to remember my best 400m time being 66.25. I’m giving my 1999 self a break here and saying I’d tie for last. Woo!
High Jump: 1.8...
A: and it's all in a huge wasteful box
A: your mom has a huge wasteful box
A: i just almost died trying to not laugh as i wrote that
Me: you know what I've been listening to lately is billy joel's greatest hits
Me: how pathetic is that on a scale of 1 to 10
Me: (10 minutes later) you never answered my billy joel question
Dan: i didn't want to hurt you
July 2008
7 posts
Dan: new rachael ray book coming out!!!!!!!!
Rachel: she's getting pretty fat
Dan: she looks good on the cover of the upcoming "Rachael Ray's Big Orange Book: Her Biggest Ever Collection of All-New 30-Minute Meals, plus Kosher Meals, Meals for One, Veggie Dinners, Holiday Favorites, and Much More!"
Dan: you're just jealous because you've been slaving away with complex computer science
Dan: and all she did was make a few sandwiches and talk loud
Cory: you think YOU were uncomfortable
Cory: try getting a boner in a speedo
Dan: i like the way you work itttt
Dan: NO DITHERING
Dan: i'd like to bag it upppp
Me: omg dude
Dan: (20 minutes later) nobody gets my "no dithering" joke
Me: I'd be happy about that
Me: it probably means your friends are cooler than you
Dan: on the contrary
Dan: they probably get the dithering part but not the song reference
Me: hahaha
Me: OOOH NOOOOES
Danny: i just realized i don't own pants
PK: Emacs: the dopest shit ever made!
Cory: man.... I really want to retire
Cory: this working bullshit is stupid
Cory: AND I just farted
Cory: I think I have to leave my cube for a bit
Cory: brb
Me: I was farting before
Me: then I went and pooped
Me: now we're all set
Cory: whew
Cory: I pooped as well
Cory: we're on the same wavelength
Cory: I would like to die surrounded by cheap booze and cheaper hookers
Me: by the time you're almost dead you don't think you'd splurge on decent booze and expensive hookers?
Cory: no, I want a lot of them
Cory: quantity over quality
Cory: which headline would you rather have
Cory: "Rachel Camero, 86, found dead with hooker"
Cory: "Rachel Camero, 86, found dead with 19 hookers"
Me: I guess I can't argue with you there
Cory: with the first one, people are just going to think you hired hookers a lot
Cory: with the second one, they're like "damn, grandma knew how to party"
June 2008
5 posts
Cory: a few weeks ago I went to one of those ice cream shoppes which I was getting my oil changed and I got 2 hot dogs and a sundae for $5.50
Me: USA!!!1!1!!
Cory: the train will be pulling into Constipation Station any day now
X: innocent?
X: you don't think he wants to stick his weiner into me?
Dan: i bought a scrolling marquee belt buckle in chinatown
Dan: best $20 i've ever spent
Dan: it's on my desk right now
Dan: it's saying "Daniel is working on: LIVING LANGUAGE ONLINE COURSES PAGES"
Me: omg
Me: that's awesome
Dan: thanks
Dan: i've programmed that, "Daniel is: EATING LUNCH" and "This coffee is delicious!"
A: well as a jerseyite, i believe in karma
A: worst possible case: i'm reborn as myself
May 2008
6 posts
Dan: why do you hate me
Me: your parents are assholes
Dan: WRETCHED EXCESS
Dan: ROCK STARDOM
Dan: AND GOLF
Cory: I put new window treatments up this weekend
Cory: it was a banner day for my masculinity
Cory: ticccckle buttton!
Me: that's pretty gay
Me: brb, breakfast
Cory: jeez, if you think thats gay, remind me not to tell you about all the anal sex I have
Cory: enjoy your breakfast!
Cory: I win on every front here: I fulfilled my obligation to hang out with him, I didn't have to actually hang out with him, I got a relaxing night at home to myself, I have a valid reason to flat out reject him if he asks again, and I still get to walk away being the victim
Me: and you thought nothing good could come of this date
Me: maybe he's got a nice wang and rules in the sack
April 2008
6 posts
Cory: sometimes i think it would be nice to have someone by my side to give me pep talks to get through the day
Cory: but I think most of the time I would just want to beat the person within an inch of their life
Me: by "someone" do you mean "a hooker"?
Me: and by "pep talks" do you mean "blow jobs"?
Cory: that would be even better
Cory: and you can TOTALLY get away with beating up a hooker
Cory: .... or so I've heard
A: and it's more like avant garde classical
A: versus dead old composers
Cory: doing some scripts
Me: what are your scripts doing?
Cory: inserting records
Cory: but they *should* be making delicious frozen beverages
Cory: have a good weeeeeeeeeekend
Me: u 2 lolz
Cory: awww
Cory: *hugs*
Me: haha
Me: fuck you
Me: I think our place is 2200 now
Dan: jeez
Dan: fuck this city
Dan: i'm going to omaha
Me: it's hella windy here
Cory: hmm... yeah, we have a 'wind advisory'
Cory: CAUTION: WINDY!
Me: you laugh!
Me: a week ago as I was walking to my building this huge piece of cardboard that was on the sidewalk BLEW INTO MY FACE
Me: it was so painful/gross
Cory: hahahahaha
Cory: there's a scene in "30 Rock" like that
Cory: where tina fey is saying how much she loves new york
Cory: and as she's shouting it out a hobo walks by and sneezes into her mouth
Me: hahaha
Me: it was just like that!!!
March 2008
5 posts
Cory: kinda like when alien ant farm did "smooth criminal" 7 years ago
Me: that was not 7 years ago
Cory: :) 2001
Me: holy fucking christ